I just realized how long it has been since I last posted, and readers, I am sorry.
To be totally honest though, nothing much has happened.
I mean, sure I had a scare about being able to go back to college because I thought I lost my scholarships.
Thankfully it turns out the scholarships are yearly not per semester.
(Insert Giant Sigh Of Relief Here)
I also spent two weeks agonizing over Spenser being in a COMPLETELY different country with NO communication.
(Insert Horrified Gasp Here)
But he was building houses for people, I couldn't begrudge him that. Not to mention his AWESOME story about killing a opossum in said third world country.
I know right? Could my boyfriend GET anymore perfect?
I could whine and bitch about my bro in Jersey who finally decided to text me a couple weeks ago only to bitch and complain about his life.
And the MOMENT I say some of his complaints are a little bit shallow instead of joining his pity party, he tells me that this is why he "doesn't talk to me when I have a boyfriend."
Apparently being in a relationship makes me into and egotistic, preppy, holier-than-thou-spewing bitch.
(Insert Exasperated Face-Palm Here)
I just think he's still mad I couldn't date him.
Or I could bitch about Graham deciding that I am "in love with him" still, and cutting me out of his life again.
I wish that kid would just realize that he is just like a brother to me, and he always will be.
(Insert Dejected Headshake Here)
BUT! On a brighter note I have watched a few movies, including The Dark Night Rises, and The Bourne Legacy.
Both of wich were stupendous and had AMAZING graphics and explosions.
Two thumbs up from your favorite faux movie critic!
(Insert Studio Applause Here)
And how could I forget that two of my OLDEST friends from Kansas hit me up on Facebook, and I have now been texting them regularly.
One of them is more of a voice of reason, the other the friend is one I used to get into trouble with all the time, but not in a bad way.
If that even makes sense.
(Insert Annoying Laugh Track Here)
All in all I am doing pretty damn fantastic!
One last thing I need to mention to all my readers(if I even have any. Xp)is to check out this web comic I recently found and am now delving into whole-heartedly.
It called Questionable Content at questionablecontent.net
It's by Jeph Jacques, and it is HILARIOUS.
It's too hard to try to explain very well, but it is basically the crazy antics of an indie-rock nice guy who let's an idie-rock-deep-down-nice but on-the-surface-bitchy/slightly-violent girl move in with him and his robot computer.
Throw in a couple sex-crazed friends, a ditz, and the goth coffee shop boss/friend, and you have the baseline for this AMAZING comic.
Again, I appologize for the lack of posts, and I hope that by leading you to this wonderful web-comic I make up for my betrayal a tad.
Until next time!
P.S
Sorry for the annoying use of (Insert ______ Here)s. I thought it might liven things up a little. :)
So, I'm really sorry I haven't posted anything in a while...
I've been a little bit busy.
Most of the time I'm with Spenser or my family doing some thing outside.
I should probably tell you that I think I'm falling in love with him.
I tell all our friends I am going to marry him someday, and he says that that's okay with him. :)
We act adorable and cute,
Almost sickeningly so. xP
I have also started working at BoJangle's finally.
I really like it.
Maybe not the best pay, but better than nothing that's for sure.
I will try to be more diligent in my posting. Sorry for being SO spotty.
Later. :)
So today was AMAZING!!!!
I slept later than I had planned because I couldn't mow the lawns today.
That is getting pushed to tomorrow.
And then I went and helped Spenser put up his hammock in his back yard.
After it was up, we went inside and chilled with him for a little bit before he had to go babysit his cousins.
When I got home, all I really did was watch T.V. with the younger cousins until we all decided to go BOWLING!!!
Spense met us at the ally and played a game with us, and I kicked his ass at that.
To rub it in worse, I beat him at every arcade game we played.
It makes me wonder if he just LETS me win all the time...
After having all that fun, Spenser and I left and went to his Dad's house because it was only 5 minutes away.
IT WAS WONDERFUL!
I absolutely LOVE his dad and step-mom.
When we left there, we went to Target, where an EPIC SILLY-STRING BATTLE ensued.
The only casualty of our little war was Target's poor door, which paid the price for being a door before the battle even truly began.
After the short 5 minutes we were able to continuously spray each other with glow in the dark sticky goo, we spent another 5 picking it out of my hair.
Then we sat down at a bench while I got some air back into my lungs, along with some tar.
We laughed the way we always do on the way home.
We also seriously discussed the fact that we deffinetly like each other, but that college would soon make us go our separate ways.
At my door, neither of us wanted the night to be over so soon, but we knew we had to part.
Before he left though, Spenser looked at me and asked,
"Do you want to just say to hell with college and just date until whenever?"
And it seemed like the most romantic thing.
OBVIOUSLY I said yes, and we shared a few quick kisses before he drove away as I walked into my house.
As soon as I laid my fingers on my computer, I made it "Facebook Official" and we are still texting now.
You could deffinetly say I am a very happy young lady. :)
So today was a good day.
I sat around the house mostly, and that was fine.
At about 5:30 Spenser came over, and we just chilled at my house for a couple hours.
I totally KICKED HIS ASS at Wii Super Mario Smash Bros!!!!
I rubbed it in pretty good too.
We also talked about music a little bit, and I let him play Shammi, my guitar.
After a while I started to go nuts, so we left, and just drove around doing nothing.
We went to one new neighborhood that backs up to some train tracks, and sat on top of the old train that was there, talking as the sun set.
After sitting there for a while we drove around some more, and eventually headed to BoJangle's so I could give Sky a cigarette through the drive-thru.
When we left there we drove around aimlessly, until we decided to go on a Harris Teeter adventure.
Pulling into the parking lot we saw a couple of friends who I hadn't seen in a VERY long time.
We stopped and talked to them for a couple of minutes and exchanged numbers before Spense and I made our way inside.
Once we were in, I stopped by the potty because I REALLY had to pee.
Then we walked around, grabbed a free cookie, and began searching for Silly-String.
We looked down several isles before asking an employee where the children's toy section was, only to see that the isle's sign pronounced "TOYS" at the top.
We were laughing hysterically as we went down the isle in search of weapons of mass destruction.
Sadly, Harris Teeter did not carry Silly-String, and we debated getting popper guns, but refrained.
We did decide that EVENTUALLY we WILL go paint-balling, and when we do I am going to have a BLAST!
After our Harris Teeter adventure we drove back to my house where he dropped me off, and I came inside and talked merrily with my aunt about how awesome Spense is and how much I enjoy his company.
I might be a little scared though, because I think that maybe,
JUST MAYBE,
I might be starting to like him...
I wonder what will happen next?
Thanks for continuing to read!
I GOT THE JOB!!!!
I am so friggin stoked about that!
After my interview was over Sky even walked up and said hey, and I had to laugh when the Manager looked at me and said,
"Do you know this crook?"
And Sky was just like,
"Crook?"
As I told the manager how yes, I did indeed know him and that we very close.
Then I went home, and around 6:30 Spenser came to pick me up.
We went to a park and walked around a trail,
Then we went to his house and I sang for him, and he showed me how well he can play guitar.
Then we went to WalMart and picked up hid friend Ryan, who it turns out is also a friend of mine.
We drove around for a while after that, the three of us just laughing and joking and laughing like maniacs.
After we dropped Ryan back off at his car we were driving around some more and I decided to call my friend Eric.
We got to his house at about 10:30, and chilled until 10:50.
Then I came home where I am about to get the BEST SLEEP EVER.
Night Everybody!
So once again, I sat inside pretty much all day.
I did go to the library with my Aunt.
And we stopped by Target on the way home.
Did you know that Target doesn't sell cigarettes?
When I asked what lane I go to to buy some and the lady told me they didn't sell them at all I was taken back for a couple seconds.
It looked like this inside my head:
LJHBDWLJBFIWVFIWB:JBF!!!!!
HOW DUH FUQ DO YOU NOT SELL STOGES?!?!?
YOU CALL YOURSELF A STORE????
But on the outside it was more like this:
*In a completely calm though disbelieving voice*
You're kidding me right?
It was a revelation I did not want to get.
Other than that, today has been uneventful as hell.
I have stayed inside with my two sick cousins pretty much all day.
Though at one point my oldest cousin came back screaming and crying in pain from his body saying, "FUCK YOU!" while he was mowing lawns.
That was actually terrifying.
I just can't wait for tomorrow to get here so I can go get my interview over with, and HOPEFULLY have a job.
Wish me luck internet people!
I haven't posted anything in what seems like forever, and I am SO SORRY for that.
I hope whoever reads this isn't mad...
Anyway, for a short catch-up to now this is what has happened:
I am still on my job search. I did get one interview, and they DEFFINETLY wanted to hire me, but my going back to college in August ruined that.
I got to see one of my closest friends for the first time in a LONG while, even if only for a short amount of time after seeing Men in Black 3 with Spenser.
For the past few days I have been in the house mostly, since Spenser has been in Texas, and no one else cares enough to hang out with me.
Xp
I did turn in an application to BoJangle's though, and today I called to follow up on that submission.
It is already known that I will be going back to college, but I still got an interview!
I am extremely stoked!
Said interview will take place on Wednesday and I am going to try my hardest to get the job.
Tomorrow Spenser will be back from Texas, and hopefully we will get the chance to hang out again.
Not only that, but my BEST-FRIEND who I wrote so much about before now has a car, and I will hopefully get to see him soon.
Six months is far too long to have not seen someone who I used to spend upwards of 15 hours a day with.
Other than that, not much has happened. The past two nights in a row I have gotten my ass handed to me in Monopoly, and today I watched the Blind Side with my family.
Amazing movie, just BTDubs.
My two younger cousins are also extremely sick, and we are ALL hoping they get better ASAP.
There really hasn't been anything else, except for me having insane dreams every night.
Oh well, wish me luck over the next few days, I will try harder to keep posting faithfully!
Sorry I didn't make a post last night, I got home kinda late.
You see, I was hanging out with that cool kid I wrote about last time.
I'll just call him Spenser. :)
So yesterday, I spent almost the WHOLE day inside. And it wasn't bad, but I was DIEING to get out.
So after getting permission to be out till midnight, I made plans to chill with the AWESOME Spenser.
At first we had a plan to go see a band, but sadly, the two of us are only 18, and the band was playing at a 21+ venue.
So instead, we just went to his house, where I met his mom, aunt and uncle, AND his grandparents.
Tasty right?
So after awkwardly saying hello, we went upstairs to the man cave and just started talking.
And awesomely enough, that's all we did the entire time I was there.
At one point his mom walked in and sat down to watch the last few minutes of the NJ vs. LA hockey game, and then she left.
Spense and I talked about all kinds of things though, and found out we had all the same friends.
Neither of us could comprehend how we hadn't met in the three years I have lived in North Carolina, when we know ALL THE SAME PEOPLE.
And throughout the night we discussed many things, and I had a blast.
I loved being able to hang out with a friend and not feel any pressure to smoke any tree, knowing I can't, and no pressure to do anything sexual.
And I could still talk about drugs with him without getting told I am a terrible person!
It was a PERFECT combination, and when he said that we need to chill more when he dropped me off, I sincerely replied,
"Absolutely!"
Then I got home, and went to bed.
Today I did a couple more job applications, and I went to church with the family.
I didn't even skip out on Sunday School or Relief Society.
And that is a HUGE deal for me.
Then I came home and we had family dinner, made cookies, and watched T.V. as a family.
After the two younger boys had gone to sleep, my aunt, oldest cousin, and I all watched the new Red Riding Hood.
I had to bite my tongue the entire time to keep from giving anything away. XD
And now Spense is texting me, telling me about how he is going to his college orientation and how this chick is being WAY obsessive.
In general, I am doing pretty darn well.
Hopefully the good fortune keeps up.
First off, I spent 5 hours mowing lawns today.
But I made 44 bucks from it so that's not so bad.
I also watched movies with my cousins and ate my favorite hot dog of ALL TIME.
The Mexi Hot Dog from Cook Out.
Anyway, yesterday, I spent like 6 hours and my friends,
(We'll just call her Lexxi)
house.
I felt really bad when I left because I hadn't found a place to go soon enough, and her mom was upset because she had to cancel an appointment.
I then got picked up by two of my other friends and we went to chill at their house.
There I sat around and caught them up on my life, and they caught me up on theirs.
They then introduced my to this EXTREMELY cute guy.
This guy I found out was funny, and we were able to talk really easily with our mutually sarcastic humors.
This guy also took me home. :)
We have been texting since last night, and I am actually happy about it.
Neither of us is looking for a relationship right now either, which is GREAT, because that means I am pretty sure I just found a new friend.
I can't wait to get to know him better.
Wish me luck?
A lot happened today, and I need to get some sleep tonight.
I will try to write a FULL recap tomorrow!
Love you all!
I am so very tired and I haven't even done anything today.
Yesterday I went and gathered about 10 job applications, and filled them out at home after spending a few hours at my friend's house.
Then today I filled out a few more applications online, and watched T.V. with my cousins.
I also ate some DAMN GOOD Taco Bell!
Pretty boring day to be honest.
So today was a good day, until the end that is.
It went like this:
I woke up pretty early and ate some breakfast, watched the part one of the season premiere of Teen Wolf, and went with my Grammy to her doctors appointment.
After that, Grammy and I went to WalMart where I bought a set of tongue rings and some new body spray, and she got a two disc CD set.
After purchasing our items, I treated her to some ice cream from McDonalds.
My small way of showing her I love her and appreciate everything she has done for me throughout the years.
Then we headed to her house where I sat and ate pretzel sticks with her,colored a picture of a cat, and watched some T.V.
When my aunt brought over my little cousin he and I went swimming in her pool.
That was all good fun and all until I decided to put on some goggles.
That was when I saw the dead spider at the bottom of the pool.
My arachnophobia prevented me from getting in the water after that.
Then, to kick up my phobia a little more, a mom who was there tried to splash a dead spider out of the pool, only IT WASN'T DEAD.
So I quickly squished the nasty little thing and continued to sit and chat while her two boys and my cousin played in the pool.
After taking my hair down to try and keep it having some semblance of neatness,I ran my fingers through it.
Feeling a tickle on my hand and believing there would be some hair causing the feeling I looked down to see yet ANOTHER SPIDER.
Needless to say my cousin and I left soon after that incident.
Back and my Grammys house, my cousin and I sat and watched T.V. together while coloring more pictures of cats.
When my aunt, who had gone out to do some errands, returned to get us, I gave my Grammy a loving hug, and off we went.
Picking up my second youngest cousin, we went to a Kangaroo to make use of their summer deal, where if you buy a $7 Roo Cup you get 25 cent refills the rest of the summer.
Noticing how close we were to one of my friends houses, I asked my aunt if I could go and hang out.
When she said okay, I was ecstatic!
At my friends house we sat around and talked and talked, catching up on the last month and talking about different crushes and other girly shit.
Then one of our other friends came over.
They weren't there very long, but it was good to see them, and I started to text them after they left.
A little later, my aunt came to get me and we went home after a stop at Advanced Auto Parts for tail light bulbs.
At home I ate a wonderful peanut butter and jam sandwich and continued my JOB HUNT in my room.
After submitting two more applications I got a text from the friend I had seen earlier today asking if I wanted to hang out.
I said that I would love to but I would need to ask my aunt first.
At 9:30 she finally told me I could go, but that I needed to be home by 11.
So I went outside to wait for my friend.
I sat there for an HOUR texting them asking when they were going to get here, and then, after an hour of "I'll be on my way soon"s, they tell me they aren't coming.
It is already 10:25 at this point, and I have no one close enough to hang out with, so I go and smoke a cigarette out of frustration, and walk back into the house.
I don't understand people.
If you aren't going to go hang out with someone, at least tell them in advance so that they have a CHANCE to make other plans.
Don't beat around the bush.
Don't ignore the situation.
If you're going to blow me off, at least give it to me straight that that is in fact what you are doing.
My aunt is right, I need to find better friends.
So that bike ride I went on yesterday left me feeling SO sore that I woke up with a migraine this morning.
It was so bad I CRIED.
I hate being in that much pain, but then again, doesn't everybody?
So I slept pretty much all day, and did absolutely nothing.
Guess you could call it a lazy day.
Oh well.
Now I am about to go to sleep, just after I finish watching The Zoo Keeper.
More real life stories tomorrow!
Alright, today, my first day back in the wonderful place called North Carolina, I didn't really do ANYTHING.
I slept until 10 in the morning, then had a glass of milk.
After doing two and a half job applications, I had a peanut butter and jam sandwich at 2:30 for lunch.
Then I finished up my third job application and did one more.
After all that excitement, I rode my Uncle's bike for around a half an hour I think to the Walgreens that is forever and a day away to get an application because I didn't see anything online.
Well neither Walgreens OR the gas station right across the street, where I bought a vitamin water for my parched throat, were hiring.
The trip was pretty much for nothing.
It was cool that in the parking lot of Walgreens I saw one of my friends.
Though I guess I'm more friends with his brother than him.
We talked for a few minutes, and I told him to tell his brother I said hi, then we went our separate ways.
Then I rode the bike ALL THE WAY BACK to my Aunt and Uncles house, feeling like I was going to DIE.
And after failing to make plans to hang out with ANY of my friends, sat and watched Avatar the last Air-Bender with my two youngest cousins before taking a shower and updating this here blog.
Other than the four applications and what little unpacking I got done today, I would say it was a very slow day.
So today I sat on a bus for 11 HOURS.
That was NOT my cup of tea.
I did meet this cute guy though.
His name is Tyler, and he is actually really cool.
He also got my number in a very slick fashion.
:)
I did bust my elbow on the window after tripping.
And I had to deal with a new bus when my second to last bus was an hour late.
And I had to sit next to a creepy older guy the rest of the way home.
Other than that, not a whole lot has happened.
I guess you could say it was an overall stressful day.
Oh well, tomorrow will be better, as it is the start of THE GREAT JOB SEARCH!!!
Wish me luck. :)
When I went to sleep early this morning, I had three things with me.
Two were teddy bears, one given to me by my father's ex at his memorial, and the other one my mother had given me that she had picked up because it is identical, only newer.
The third thing I had with me was my father's Hackey-Sack.
When I fell fast asleep, I dreamed of him. I can't remember the details, only that it was peaceful, and he was there.
Who is to say what comes after death? No one. No one has ever fully died and then come back to tell the tale.
Death is a one way trip.
I believe there is something after death, because to not believe so would contradict what I know.
I have seen ghosts, felt spirits, and talked with those long gone.
If there were nothing after death, none of that would be possible.
Somehow, even with all of that, I don't believe in God.
Not the kind that people create religions around.
I don't know if there is a Heaven or a Hell, or if we will all get judged once we move on.
I do know there is another place though, because I have seen someone go there. A little boy, finally crossing over after being stuck here for a long time.
It is impossible to explain what I saw, but the best way I can think of is that he inverted on himself along a vertical line with a kind of light coming through.
Then he was gone.
Where ever he is, I know that my father, my daddy, is watching over me, and bouncing my baby boy on his knee.
He has his own son, my brother, who died before birth with him, and loves him as much as he loves me.
My father is happy and proud.
I do not believe in God, or the Devil.
I believe in a kind of destiny, but it is one that you can change.
I know that things do happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean that anything is set in stone.
No one has one set path that they must follow, or certain things that they will absolutely do. But things that we can't control, like death, are the things that must happen.
No one can escape the passing of time, or know if a plane will crash, or predict that bomb will fall.
But these things happen.
That is the kind of thing that I believe destiny controls.
Coincidences that we cannot explain.
Moments that changed our lives forever that only happen because of chance.
That is destiny at work.
Maybe I am crazy, or maybe I just understand in a way that others don't, either way these are my beliefs.
I have grown into who I am because of the coincidences and moments I just wrote about. And I know my Daddy is proud.
Where to start?
First off, I am DEFFINETLY going back to NC.
In fact I'll be headed back in two days.
12 hour bus ride here I come.
A few days ago, Granmom died.
I wasn't there, but Momma was, and she told me how it happened yesterday.
Let's just say I wish I could have been there to help her as she watched her own mother pass away in front of her very eyes.
She has been holding up alright, but I know that's only because she is still so angry.
Angry at God.
Angry at the doctors.
Angry at the world.
And that's okay, I am just terrified of what is going to happen when all the anger is gone and all that's left is the realization that her mother is gone hits, and that deep, dark sadness sets in.
It doesn't help that her son won't even come over to see her because he is mad at me.
I haven't seen him for three weeks, and he can't even come see Mom when she needs him because he is so FUCKING DESPERATE not to see me again before I leave.
She is so upset with him she doesn't even know what to do.
There is some much less heavy news, in fact happy, jubilant news.
I always give dessert last you see.
That best friend I wrote about.
The one I care for so much?
He is talking to me again.
FINALLY.
And not only that, he is doing so much better now that it's not even funny.
We are trying to make plans to hang out when I get back to NC, but that's a little hard now that we don't live in the same apartment complex, and I can't just walk over and tap on his window for him to let me in.
It also doesn't help that we don't really know how his mother feels about me.
Last time we checked, she still hated my guts more than anything else on this planet.
I am also going to be working, wonderfully enough, and will most likely go to Warped tour at the end of June with one my best friends.
I That will also be the first time I meet this friend in person.
Not to mention that when I entered a contest on the website we met on, the video I submitted got into the top 20, and they might pay for him to come to me or vice versa.
Either way it would be amazing, seeing as we can't really just set a place to meet and go there since he is in Alaska and all.
That's just kind of far away.
I guess I will say the same thing here that I have said in a dozen other places.
Things seem to be falling apart, only to fall into place.
And that's not a bad feeling.
I guess there is one last sad thing to say, and it is actually what got me to come and post on my blog again for the first time in a week.
Tomorrow(since it's 2 A.M.) is the 11 year anniversary of my own Father's death.
I was just sitting in bed tossing his Hackey-Sack that I carry with me everywhere with me back and forth, and I felt the need to post something.
He is my Dad.
I spent last year, the big DECADE, arguing with my mother while she was visiting my Grammy and I.
At the end of the night, we both cried, and I yelled at her about how I was so ANGRY at him.
Angry because he left me, his little girl, when I NEEDED him.
Angry for not coming to pick me up from Daycare that day.
Angry for not taking me to work with him, even though I begged and begged that day.
Angry because he won't be able to scare off my boyfriends with a shotgun, or walk me down the aisle at my wedding, or see his grandchildren and spoil them to death while my back is turned.
I was so ANGRY.
But this year, this year I'm not.
This year I think I understand more.
This year I'm not angry at him,
I just miss him.
But I know he is watching me, and that no matter what I do,
No matter what mistakes I make,
He still loves me.
Because I am HIS little girl.
The thought running through my head right now is about this story my mom told me a few years ago, about when she told my dad she was pregnant with me.
She had already had one daughter, and she gave her up for adoption at birth.
My mom asked my dad if he wanted her to do that again, and when she did he got so angry, and stormed up and down the road screaming,
"NO! That is MY KID MY KID MY KID!!"
Over and over at the top of his lungs.
My daddy didn't leave me because he wanted to, he did it because he needed to.
He didn't know any other option.
My daddy loves me, he always has. And with the way I've grown up, I KNOW he had to have been watching me.
I wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't. I COULDN'T have.
I love you daddy, and I know you're out there, with my little boy, taking care of him, bouncing him on your knee and telling him how much his mommy loves him, and how great a mommy she is, even though she didn't get to be one just yet.
Thank you daddy, for being my Guardian Angel all these years.
So, Momma told me I am probably going to have to go back to NC today...
I don't even know what else to say.
So I was sick last night, and then this post is late because I was having an all night Fast and the Furious Movie Marathon.
Only one thing to say after watching all five movies in a row.
I don't care that Paul Walker is 21 years older than me.
OR that he is almost 50 now.
I would still TAP DAT ASS!
Just saying.
It's those eyes of his. I just can't get enough.
Anyway, other than my crazy movie marathon, I did the dishes like I'm supposed to, and that's about it.
I'm sorry but a migraine isn't something you can just shake off.
It set in yesterday while I was at Granmoms helping out, then it lasted until after noon today.
It was so bad.
I did talk to my Mom, and we had a good laugh about how I am STILL nicotine depraved.
I've also been missing my best-friend a lot lately. The same one I wrote practically a STORY about before.
Not only him either, but all my friends who seemed like they were close at one time, but have grown far since.
But maybe I'm just being a stupid sentimental girl.
I also feel like I have almost no support. It kinda hurts, feeling this alone.
I mean, even my brother who I came to New Jersey to see won't talk to me right now....
At first it just pissed me off, because my original thought was, "Wow, how can he be so pissed that I won't be with him? This is SO childish!"
But now I just want my friend back.
Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm naive.
Hell, maybe I'm absolutely fucking nuts.
Okay, so the last one wasn't a maybe.
*Sigh*
I am so bitchy.
Well, I didn't really DO much of anything today.
But tomorrow I have to get up early for my first day of training, so I need to head to slumber land.
I just knew I needed to make this post, if only to make it become a habit to do so every day.
Until tomorrow whoever you are. If you're even there.
So today I got up a little late, at about 11.
I got up, did the dishes, took care of the dogs, the usual.
I just sat around and watched T.V. and tried to keep my mind off of things.
After Momma got home, I retreated to my room.
I have been in here basically since she got home, just reading my online manga and such.
Then my REAL Mom called, and that was when I realized just how nuts I've been today.
On the phone with her, I went SUPER bi-polar.
Screaming, then crying then laughing,
All in about a two minute time span.
I blame it on PMS and Nicotine Depravation.
All in all, just a regular day.
But if that's true...
Why am I feeling so lost? So undeniably misguided? So out of place?
I keep feeling more and more like I shouldn't be here. Like everything that has happened from my plans to get here and my plans once I arrived, have all fallen through.
What am I supposed to do?
It's not like I have anyone other than my friend in Alaska who I can turn to.
And, Alaska is KINDA SORTA REALLY far away, you know?
I mean, he is planning to come here for Warped Tour this year and see me, which will be the coolest thing EVER!
But what do I do until then?
I've been talking to him, relying on him.
But it's not the same as being able to cry on someone's shoulder, or get a hug.
I miss that feeling. That feeling of acceptance.
One of the few places I ever got it was from my best-friend. The one who won't talk to me anymore...
It used to be anytime I needed him, all I had to do was call, and he would automatically say,
"Come on over."
Or, when we were to far apart,
"What's going on?!"
He actually cared, and always knew when I needed a hug, a listening ear, or for someone to tell me to snap the hell out of it and get my ass in gear!
He is also the only other person who ever saw my son's ghost.
Now I know what you're thinking,
The same thing a million other people have said to me a million times.
"She's in love with him. It's easy to see."
But you're wrong.
I love him, yes. More than life itself I love him. But being IN love? That's a different story.
See, this kid is my brother. My Soul Twin, if you will. It's as if when everything was in the cosmos swirling around, and souls were getting distributed, we were once one soul that, like an embryo in a womb, split in two.
I was just born six months earlier.
But this kid, this person who I love so much, won't talk to me right now.
I called him from a phone that he didn't know a little over a month ago without thinking, and for the first time in over two months he actually answered. But the second I said, "Hey." he hung up.
It made me cry.
He has been like this since December, when I graduated from a six month residential program.
At this program I got told everyday by 36 other females my age, as well as more than 6 adults, that I was completely in love with my brother.
After six months of having the same thing rammed into my head over and over, I began to doubt the kind of feelings I had for him. And once I graduated I made the biggest mistake ever.
I told him about it.
It wasn't so open as simply saying, "I love you."
That would be to easy.
I had to go and have someone else tell him, while I was there, and he knew I was listening.
And the words were these: "She thinks she might be IN love with you."
It's funny, how one two-letter word can change the entire meaning of a phrase.
It was okay for maybe two weeks after I told him, and I even went so far as to tell him it was a mistake, because it was only after the fact that I realized I don't have those kinds of feelings for him.
And then he freaked out.
Cursed and screamed and called me names. All over Facebook chat.
Then he blocked me.
I would text him maybe once a week after that, because he had said all he wanted was space at that point in time, and I just wanted to let him know that I am still here.
Then he told me to leave him the fuck alone. That I was pissing him off even more.
I didn't even know what I had done wrong but I let him be.
About a month after that, I was on vacation for spring break with my boyfriend. It was only three days before I would fly back. And at five o'clock on the morning, he called me.
I took one look at my phone and answered.
And he was crying.
He does some drugs you see, and he was going on a bad trip from some shroom extract pills, and he had called me because I was one of the only people who knew how to calm him down.
So that's what I did. I talked to him, and got him calm again. Slowed down his breathing.
Right when he had started to be okay, he teared up again and said, "L_____, I am so sorry for the bad blood between us."
To which I immediately responded,
"It's already forgotten."
Things were okay again for about two weeks after that. We were talking at least.
Then, he stopped.
Dropped off the face of the planet again. And I realized he had never unblocked me on Facebook.
The last contact I had was that phone call. The one where he immediately hung up on me.
I don't even know what I did.
All I know is that I miss my brother. I miss my best-friend.
I don't really know what to do, and I worry about him all the time. I try to check up on him through mutual friends just to see if he's doing okay sometimes.
I am just terrified of the day when I get a phone call telling me he is no longer here. That some fatal accident has occurred.
I thought I had lost him once. Walked in and thought what I was seeing was his dead body.
That was the single most terrifying event in my entire life.
I just don't know...
And now I still feel lost, insecure, and out of place, and I guess this whole story is saying that the one person who could make those feelings go away, isn't here for me right now.
Damn... I feel like a whiny bitch.
So today I am feeling absolutely BITCHTASTIC!
This guy who I've been talking to decided to get pissy because I didn't talk to him for a few days.
I could understand that if he were someone I had known for MORE THAN TWO WEEKS AND IN PERSON.
So he starts freaking out at me, and when I finally crack from lack of nicotine and the onset of PMS, I turn into the DEVIL for being in anyway upset at him.
And the first thing he thinks is that I stopped talking to him for being too pushy,
Which he was,
But that was NOT the reason.
It is because I am dealing with my own shit if you couldn't tell from my previous blog entries.
I mean seriously,
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Do you have a death wish or something?
Why else would you fuck with a teenager who is "A FUCKING BASKET CASE", PMSing AND lacking cigarettes?
And starting it over her not talking to you for a couple days?
THEN saying she is completely in the wrong because you are grieving over your recently deceased father?
I understand. That is a hard thing to go through.
But you don't have to take out your frustration on ME.
I know what the fuck it's like to lose your Father.
I lost mine at seven years old then had my step-father start beating the ever living shit out of me.
You just moved back in with your mom who you treat like shit anyway.
And then he went as far as to say he understands that I am dealing with Granmom dying, but "AT LEAST SHE'S STILL ALIVE!" In his words.
I couldn't help but respond that he and I were lucky that at least our Fathers went quickly, because that meant we didn't have to watch them dwindle day by day, just on the verge of leaving us forever,
And wondering, "Is today all that's left?"
I just don't know.
After he sat there and insulted me again and again, I ended up blocking him on Facebook.
And when I blocked him on Facebook, the first thing he did was message me on Skype about how I'm a little pussy ass bitch who can't handle the truth.
So I blocked him there too.
I am stressed out enough what with the everything that is going on and being told that there is a chance I might have to go back to NC.
I don't need some 21 year old ass hole who has done nothing but hit on me since he started talking to me making my day any worse by bitching at me because I have been too busy to talk to him.
I am sorry for bitching, whoever is reading this, if anyone is reading this,
But I NEEDED to write it out.
(Well, TYPE it out I guess.)
If only to let off some steam.
I hope your day is going a hell of a lot better than mine.
I just got reminded of how close the anniversary of my father's death is.
It's so hard dealing with him being gone.
It will have been ELEVEN years.
That is over half my age.
I was seven years old when he died.
I was angry at one point, when I was told that it was suicide, and not just an accident.
And I have cried on countless nights, missing my Daddy.
He was a country boy.
A military man.
A gentleman.
A boxer.
A pool player.
A prankster.
And a DAMN good father.
He taught me how to ride a bike.
To not be afraid of daddy-longlegs.
How to fish.
We watched The Matrix together.
Played video games.
And every time he made me a bowl of cereal, he would take one piece off the top.
He was a man who loved me more than life itself, and would have done anything for me.
I have even heard crazy stories of how protective he was of women!
He was my Daddy, and no one will ever be able to replace him.
I love you Daddy.
Not much to write today.
I slept a lot again, and Momma told me that if I continue to sleep all day, she will send me back to North Carolina.
I also nearly finished cleaning my brother's room.
All that's left is to vacuum tomorrow!
Wish me luck!
Hey again!
Today was somewhat strange I guess.
I went to bed somewhat early last night, and I STILL didn't wake up until 1:30 this afternoon.
When I finally woke up, I had to get ready fast, because Momma was taking my brother and I to Granpops house.
No one was home when we got there, and we sat around for a bit, watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.
After an hour or so of that, we started cleaning a little bit.
Momma vacuumed,I dusted, and Ian cleaned up the bathroom.
Once we were all done doing that, we headed to the hospital where Granmom is.
It's been a while since I've been to a hospital, and I was the only non-relative there.
The combination of the smell, and my feeling of being an outsider, gave me a mini-panic attack.
Breathing became hard, and my vision seemed to blur for a moment.
After a couple of minutes of this overwhelming feeling, I decided to go outside.
I sat outside the hospital for a little while, just breathing.
When I went back inside, I didn't make the mistake of entering Granmoms room again.
I just sat in the hallway, and after a little bit, a nurse came over and layed down a towel saying the floor was filthy.
I sat there for the rest of the visit, and when we left, I felt somewhat relieved.
We came home after that, and Momma made dinner.
We watched T.V. together, she my brother and I, and enjoyed our meal.
Then Brian came home and I left the living room.
Brian seems to get pissed anytime I am in the same room as my brother, and I don't know why.
I just try not to provoke him.
So now I'm sitting in Mommas room, waiting for Dad to come get my brother who has school tomorrow.
Just another day, a little boring, but that's better than it being bad.
So today I slept a lot.
It probably didn't help that I didn't go to bed until around 8 A.M. this morning.
When I finally got up a little bit, Momma took my bro and I to Granpops house.
We were both supposed to carry stuff down from one of the upstairs rooms,
But he told me not to worry about it.
That he didn't need or want my help.
So I'm sitting around feeling like a bump on a log, and fall asleep again.
When we left Granpops house, we went to WalMart.
I decided to sit outside for a minute to smoke a cigarette, and some cute guy asked to bum one.
What was I gonna do?
Say no?
So I give the guy a stogey and I chit-chat with him and his buddies for a couple minutes.
I finally go inside and call Momma asking where she is.
She just tells me to find my brother because she was about to check out.
We weren't getting a whole hell of a lot you know.
So I call bro, and he says he's in the arts and crafts area.
No big deal.
I tell him to meet me up front and then spend 5 mintes waiting for him,
All the while getting texts from Mom telling me to hurry up.
I finally say fuck it and go outside, and Mom was obviously mad.
I don't know exactly what got her into a bad mood,
But my brother was on the wrong side of it.
On the way home, he only dug his grave deeper talking about how no matter what he is getting a gun when he turns 18.
When mom says he can't bring it to her house, he starts saying how he'll just keep it in the trunk of the car he will supposedly have by then
(Paid for by Dad of course.)
And when she tells him she doesn't want that either, he starts saying how it doesn't matter because that will be HIS car.
After arguing back and forth for a little bit, Mom finally breaks.
"You're right ___. You know absolutely everything, and you are never wrong."
I don't know about you, but when I hear ANY woman say that, I know to duck and cover.
My brother though? He wasn't that smart.
He went on about how that wasn't what he was saying but that he knew about this etc.
Again, only digging his grave deeper.
Luckily Mom tends to forgive a lot easier than most, even with her wicked temper.
When we got home and he helped bring in what little groceries there were, all she said was that he had to cook dinner.
While we waited for dinner we watched some T.V., and watched a movie after.
We were all laughing and giggling and having a blast!
Right now things are going all right, though we all sobered up a bit when Mom got on the phone and started talking about Granmom.
And I get the feeling the only reason we were so jovial is because the guy who we are all staying with at the moment,
Let's just call him Brian,
Wasn't here to bitch at Mom or my Brother about anything.
I always hear him when he is talking to Momma, and all I want to do is go in and tell him off.
But I can't do that, because Momma has nowhere else to go right now.
I wish I could help her more, but I don't know how.
So for now, I will just try and be there for her when she needs me.
Cleaning, and talking to her.
Being suppportive.
I hope it's enough.
I am starting this Summer Diary.
Hopefully I do better at keeping up with it than I have other blogs.
I plan on putting my heart and soul into this,
And honestly,
I don't care if anyone reads it or not.
This is for me,
Not anyone else.
A place to vent anything and everything.
Where I can spill it all,
And never really tell a soul.
So let's get started shall we?
Not to be the whiny teenage bitch,
But I have been feeling rather...
Down,
Lately.
See,
I'm staying with a close friend,
So close he is like a brother to me,
And his mom,
Who I actually call "Momma",
In Jersey for the summer.
They have a lot of stuff going on,
From an unstable household with a drunk,
To a mother and grandmom on the brink of passing away.
Then there are my own petty problems.
The 31st of May will be the 11 year anniversary of my father's death.
And I can't stop thinking about how if over a year ago I hadn't miscarried,
My little boy would have turned 1 on July 27th.
I can somewhat talk to them about this,
But I don't want to be a burden.
I am also dealing with the fact that a very close friend of mine,
My BEST friend in fact,
Is refusing to speak to me at this point in time.
But that's a story for another day.
In lighter news,
I got hired at Six Flags on the 8th.
My first day is on the 20th,
Even if it is only training. :)
Once I get started I will be able to help more here.
Helping Momma pay the rent the person we are staying with is asking of her.
I did buy her a Mother's Day card,
To thank her for everything she is doing for me, as well as everything she has done in the past.
Sometime's I feel like she has been here for me more than my biological mother...
I have also started to make some friends other than my "Brother".
But that doesn't seem to make him very happy at all.
It honestly seems to piss him off more than anything else sometimes.
He has told me has feelings for me,
But he acts so...
CHILDISH.
I can't stand the way he treats his parents,
And I told him as much.
I love him to death.
I always will.
Nut I can't date someone who still acts like a prepubescent fuck-tard,
Saying "Woe is me! I can't do anything but lay there and say mean things about my parents because I didn't get my way!"
Not to mention the fact that he still makes people ask him directly to do ANYTHING.
LITERALLY!
He won't even get off the couch for anything but food, drink, and cigarettes unless you ask him to,
And even then he has the nerve to ask "Why should I?"
These people put a roof over his head,
Are EXTREMELY tolerant of how much a trouble maker he is,
AND buy him cigarettes anytime he asks,
And he can't even help with the chores without throwing a hissy fit.
I understand grief,
But it has ALWAYS been like this,
Not just since Grandmom got sick...
I will be honest.
I used to act like that too,
What kid doesn't?
But I grew out of it.
I help out without anyone saying ANYTHING to me,
Just to be helpful!
And because of the way he is acting,
It is getting harder and harder for the person Momma is staying with to keep letting her stay here.
If I had known even half of the problems I have caused by coming here,
I would have stayed in North Carolina.
Truly.
Yet at the same time,
They need me here for moral support,
Because Momma and my Brother have no one,
NO ONE,
To truly rely on.
I guess I should just hope for the best and prepare for the worst at this point.
If you read through all of this, thank you.
I applaud your patience.
I applaud your understanding.
This is my outlet.
My place of peace.
Now I just need to remember to utilize it.
