When I went to sleep early this morning, I had three things with me.
Two were teddy bears, one given to me by my father's ex at his memorial, and the other one my mother had given me that she had picked up because it is identical, only newer.
The third thing I had with me was my father's Hackey-Sack.
When I fell fast asleep, I dreamed of him. I can't remember the details, only that it was peaceful, and he was there.
Who is to say what comes after death? No one. No one has ever fully died and then come back to tell the tale.
Death is a one way trip.
I believe there is something after death, because to not believe so would contradict what I know.
I have seen ghosts, felt spirits, and talked with those long gone.
If there were nothing after death, none of that would be possible.
Somehow, even with all of that, I don't believe in God.
Not the kind that people create religions around.
I don't know if there is a Heaven or a Hell, or if we will all get judged once we move on.
I do know there is another place though, because I have seen someone go there. A little boy, finally crossing over after being stuck here for a long time.
It is impossible to explain what I saw, but the best way I can think of is that he inverted on himself along a vertical line with a kind of light coming through.
Then he was gone.
Where ever he is, I know that my father, my daddy, is watching over me, and bouncing my baby boy on his knee.
He has his own son, my brother, who died before birth with him, and loves him as much as he loves me.
My father is happy and proud.
I do not believe in God, or the Devil.
I believe in a kind of destiny, but it is one that you can change.
I know that things do happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean that anything is set in stone.
No one has one set path that they must follow, or certain things that they will absolutely do. But things that we can't control, like death, are the things that must happen.
No one can escape the passing of time, or know if a plane will crash, or predict that bomb will fall.
But these things happen.
That is the kind of thing that I believe destiny controls.
Coincidences that we cannot explain.
Moments that changed our lives forever that only happen because of chance.
That is destiny at work.
Maybe I am crazy, or maybe I just understand in a way that others don't, either way these are my beliefs.
I have grown into who I am because of the coincidences and moments I just wrote about. And I know my Daddy is proud.
Where to start?
First off, I am DEFFINETLY going back to NC.
In fact I'll be headed back in two days.
12 hour bus ride here I come.
A few days ago, Granmom died.
I wasn't there, but Momma was, and she told me how it happened yesterday.
Let's just say I wish I could have been there to help her as she watched her own mother pass away in front of her very eyes.
She has been holding up alright, but I know that's only because she is still so angry.
Angry at God.
Angry at the doctors.
Angry at the world.
And that's okay, I am just terrified of what is going to happen when all the anger is gone and all that's left is the realization that her mother is gone hits, and that deep, dark sadness sets in.
It doesn't help that her son won't even come over to see her because he is mad at me.
I haven't seen him for three weeks, and he can't even come see Mom when she needs him because he is so FUCKING DESPERATE not to see me again before I leave.
She is so upset with him she doesn't even know what to do.
There is some much less heavy news, in fact happy, jubilant news.
I always give dessert last you see.
That best friend I wrote about.
The one I care for so much?
He is talking to me again.
FINALLY.
And not only that, he is doing so much better now that it's not even funny.
We are trying to make plans to hang out when I get back to NC, but that's a little hard now that we don't live in the same apartment complex, and I can't just walk over and tap on his window for him to let me in.
It also doesn't help that we don't really know how his mother feels about me.
Last time we checked, she still hated my guts more than anything else on this planet.
I am also going to be working, wonderfully enough, and will most likely go to Warped tour at the end of June with one my best friends.
I That will also be the first time I meet this friend in person.
Not to mention that when I entered a contest on the website we met on, the video I submitted got into the top 20, and they might pay for him to come to me or vice versa.
Either way it would be amazing, seeing as we can't really just set a place to meet and go there since he is in Alaska and all.
That's just kind of far away.
I guess I will say the same thing here that I have said in a dozen other places.
Things seem to be falling apart, only to fall into place.
And that's not a bad feeling.
I guess there is one last sad thing to say, and it is actually what got me to come and post on my blog again for the first time in a week.
Tomorrow(since it's 2 A.M.) is the 11 year anniversary of my own Father's death.
I was just sitting in bed tossing his Hackey-Sack that I carry with me everywhere with me back and forth, and I felt the need to post something.
He is my Dad.
I spent last year, the big DECADE, arguing with my mother while she was visiting my Grammy and I.
At the end of the night, we both cried, and I yelled at her about how I was so ANGRY at him.
Angry because he left me, his little girl, when I NEEDED him.
Angry for not coming to pick me up from Daycare that day.
Angry for not taking me to work with him, even though I begged and begged that day.
Angry because he won't be able to scare off my boyfriends with a shotgun, or walk me down the aisle at my wedding, or see his grandchildren and spoil them to death while my back is turned.
I was so ANGRY.
But this year, this year I'm not.
This year I think I understand more.
This year I'm not angry at him,
I just miss him.
But I know he is watching me, and that no matter what I do,
No matter what mistakes I make,
He still loves me.
Because I am HIS little girl.
The thought running through my head right now is about this story my mom told me a few years ago, about when she told my dad she was pregnant with me.
She had already had one daughter, and she gave her up for adoption at birth.
My mom asked my dad if he wanted her to do that again, and when she did he got so angry, and stormed up and down the road screaming,
"NO! That is MY KID MY KID MY KID!!"
Over and over at the top of his lungs.
My daddy didn't leave me because he wanted to, he did it because he needed to.
He didn't know any other option.
My daddy loves me, he always has. And with the way I've grown up, I KNOW he had to have been watching me.
I wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't. I COULDN'T have.
I love you daddy, and I know you're out there, with my little boy, taking care of him, bouncing him on your knee and telling him how much his mommy loves him, and how great a mommy she is, even though she didn't get to be one just yet.
Thank you daddy, for being my Guardian Angel all these years.
So, Momma told me I am probably going to have to go back to NC today...
I don't even know what else to say.
So I was sick last night, and then this post is late because I was having an all night Fast and the Furious Movie Marathon.
Only one thing to say after watching all five movies in a row.
I don't care that Paul Walker is 21 years older than me.
OR that he is almost 50 now.
I would still TAP DAT ASS!
Just saying.
It's those eyes of his. I just can't get enough.
Anyway, other than my crazy movie marathon, I did the dishes like I'm supposed to, and that's about it.
I'm sorry but a migraine isn't something you can just shake off.
It set in yesterday while I was at Granmoms helping out, then it lasted until after noon today.
It was so bad.
I did talk to my Mom, and we had a good laugh about how I am STILL nicotine depraved.
I've also been missing my best-friend a lot lately. The same one I wrote practically a STORY about before.
Not only him either, but all my friends who seemed like they were close at one time, but have grown far since.
But maybe I'm just being a stupid sentimental girl.
I also feel like I have almost no support. It kinda hurts, feeling this alone.
I mean, even my brother who I came to New Jersey to see won't talk to me right now....
At first it just pissed me off, because my original thought was, "Wow, how can he be so pissed that I won't be with him? This is SO childish!"
But now I just want my friend back.
Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm naive.
Hell, maybe I'm absolutely fucking nuts.
Okay, so the last one wasn't a maybe.
*Sigh*
I am so bitchy.
Well, I didn't really DO much of anything today.
But tomorrow I have to get up early for my first day of training, so I need to head to slumber land.
I just knew I needed to make this post, if only to make it become a habit to do so every day.
Until tomorrow whoever you are. If you're even there.
So today I got up a little late, at about 11.
I got up, did the dishes, took care of the dogs, the usual.
I just sat around and watched T.V. and tried to keep my mind off of things.
After Momma got home, I retreated to my room.
I have been in here basically since she got home, just reading my online manga and such.
Then my REAL Mom called, and that was when I realized just how nuts I've been today.
On the phone with her, I went SUPER bi-polar.
Screaming, then crying then laughing,
All in about a two minute time span.
I blame it on PMS and Nicotine Depravation.
All in all, just a regular day.
But if that's true...
Why am I feeling so lost? So undeniably misguided? So out of place?
I keep feeling more and more like I shouldn't be here. Like everything that has happened from my plans to get here and my plans once I arrived, have all fallen through.
What am I supposed to do?
It's not like I have anyone other than my friend in Alaska who I can turn to.
And, Alaska is KINDA SORTA REALLY far away, you know?
I mean, he is planning to come here for Warped Tour this year and see me, which will be the coolest thing EVER!
But what do I do until then?
I've been talking to him, relying on him.
But it's not the same as being able to cry on someone's shoulder, or get a hug.
I miss that feeling. That feeling of acceptance.
One of the few places I ever got it was from my best-friend. The one who won't talk to me anymore...
It used to be anytime I needed him, all I had to do was call, and he would automatically say,
"Come on over."
Or, when we were to far apart,
"What's going on?!"
He actually cared, and always knew when I needed a hug, a listening ear, or for someone to tell me to snap the hell out of it and get my ass in gear!
He is also the only other person who ever saw my son's ghost.
Now I know what you're thinking,
The same thing a million other people have said to me a million times.
"She's in love with him. It's easy to see."
But you're wrong.
I love him, yes. More than life itself I love him. But being IN love? That's a different story.
See, this kid is my brother. My Soul Twin, if you will. It's as if when everything was in the cosmos swirling around, and souls were getting distributed, we were once one soul that, like an embryo in a womb, split in two.
I was just born six months earlier.
But this kid, this person who I love so much, won't talk to me right now.
I called him from a phone that he didn't know a little over a month ago without thinking, and for the first time in over two months he actually answered. But the second I said, "Hey." he hung up.
It made me cry.
He has been like this since December, when I graduated from a six month residential program.
At this program I got told everyday by 36 other females my age, as well as more than 6 adults, that I was completely in love with my brother.
After six months of having the same thing rammed into my head over and over, I began to doubt the kind of feelings I had for him. And once I graduated I made the biggest mistake ever.
I told him about it.
It wasn't so open as simply saying, "I love you."
That would be to easy.
I had to go and have someone else tell him, while I was there, and he knew I was listening.
And the words were these: "She thinks she might be IN love with you."
It's funny, how one two-letter word can change the entire meaning of a phrase.
It was okay for maybe two weeks after I told him, and I even went so far as to tell him it was a mistake, because it was only after the fact that I realized I don't have those kinds of feelings for him.
And then he freaked out.
Cursed and screamed and called me names. All over Facebook chat.
Then he blocked me.
I would text him maybe once a week after that, because he had said all he wanted was space at that point in time, and I just wanted to let him know that I am still here.
Then he told me to leave him the fuck alone. That I was pissing him off even more.
I didn't even know what I had done wrong but I let him be.
About a month after that, I was on vacation for spring break with my boyfriend. It was only three days before I would fly back. And at five o'clock on the morning, he called me.
I took one look at my phone and answered.
And he was crying.
He does some drugs you see, and he was going on a bad trip from some shroom extract pills, and he had called me because I was one of the only people who knew how to calm him down.
So that's what I did. I talked to him, and got him calm again. Slowed down his breathing.
Right when he had started to be okay, he teared up again and said, "L_____, I am so sorry for the bad blood between us."
To which I immediately responded,
"It's already forgotten."
Things were okay again for about two weeks after that. We were talking at least.
Then, he stopped.
Dropped off the face of the planet again. And I realized he had never unblocked me on Facebook.
The last contact I had was that phone call. The one where he immediately hung up on me.
I don't even know what I did.
All I know is that I miss my brother. I miss my best-friend.
I don't really know what to do, and I worry about him all the time. I try to check up on him through mutual friends just to see if he's doing okay sometimes.
I am just terrified of the day when I get a phone call telling me he is no longer here. That some fatal accident has occurred.
I thought I had lost him once. Walked in and thought what I was seeing was his dead body.
That was the single most terrifying event in my entire life.
I just don't know...
And now I still feel lost, insecure, and out of place, and I guess this whole story is saying that the one person who could make those feelings go away, isn't here for me right now.
Damn... I feel like a whiny bitch.
So today I am feeling absolutely BITCHTASTIC!
This guy who I've been talking to decided to get pissy because I didn't talk to him for a few days.
I could understand that if he were someone I had known for MORE THAN TWO WEEKS AND IN PERSON.
So he starts freaking out at me, and when I finally crack from lack of nicotine and the onset of PMS, I turn into the DEVIL for being in anyway upset at him.
And the first thing he thinks is that I stopped talking to him for being too pushy,
Which he was,
But that was NOT the reason.
It is because I am dealing with my own shit if you couldn't tell from my previous blog entries.
I mean seriously,
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Do you have a death wish or something?
Why else would you fuck with a teenager who is "A FUCKING BASKET CASE", PMSing AND lacking cigarettes?
And starting it over her not talking to you for a couple days?
THEN saying she is completely in the wrong because you are grieving over your recently deceased father?
I understand. That is a hard thing to go through.
But you don't have to take out your frustration on ME.
I know what the fuck it's like to lose your Father.
I lost mine at seven years old then had my step-father start beating the ever living shit out of me.
You just moved back in with your mom who you treat like shit anyway.
And then he went as far as to say he understands that I am dealing with Granmom dying, but "AT LEAST SHE'S STILL ALIVE!" In his words.
I couldn't help but respond that he and I were lucky that at least our Fathers went quickly, because that meant we didn't have to watch them dwindle day by day, just on the verge of leaving us forever,
And wondering, "Is today all that's left?"
I just don't know.
After he sat there and insulted me again and again, I ended up blocking him on Facebook.
And when I blocked him on Facebook, the first thing he did was message me on Skype about how I'm a little pussy ass bitch who can't handle the truth.
So I blocked him there too.
I am stressed out enough what with the everything that is going on and being told that there is a chance I might have to go back to NC.
I don't need some 21 year old ass hole who has done nothing but hit on me since he started talking to me making my day any worse by bitching at me because I have been too busy to talk to him.
I am sorry for bitching, whoever is reading this, if anyone is reading this,
But I NEEDED to write it out.
(Well, TYPE it out I guess.)
If only to let off some steam.
I hope your day is going a hell of a lot better than mine.
I just got reminded of how close the anniversary of my father's death is.
It's so hard dealing with him being gone.
It will have been ELEVEN years.
That is over half my age.
I was seven years old when he died.
I was angry at one point, when I was told that it was suicide, and not just an accident.
And I have cried on countless nights, missing my Daddy.
He was a country boy.
A military man.
A gentleman.
A boxer.
A pool player.
A prankster.
And a DAMN good father.
He taught me how to ride a bike.
To not be afraid of daddy-longlegs.
How to fish.
We watched The Matrix together.
Played video games.
And every time he made me a bowl of cereal, he would take one piece off the top.
He was a man who loved me more than life itself, and would have done anything for me.
I have even heard crazy stories of how protective he was of women!
He was my Daddy, and no one will ever be able to replace him.
I love you Daddy.
Not much to write today.
I slept a lot again, and Momma told me that if I continue to sleep all day, she will send me back to North Carolina.
I also nearly finished cleaning my brother's room.
All that's left is to vacuum tomorrow!
Wish me luck!
Hey again!
Today was somewhat strange I guess.
I went to bed somewhat early last night, and I STILL didn't wake up until 1:30 this afternoon.
When I finally woke up, I had to get ready fast, because Momma was taking my brother and I to Granpops house.
No one was home when we got there, and we sat around for a bit, watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.
After an hour or so of that, we started cleaning a little bit.
Momma vacuumed,I dusted, and Ian cleaned up the bathroom.
Once we were all done doing that, we headed to the hospital where Granmom is.
It's been a while since I've been to a hospital, and I was the only non-relative there.
The combination of the smell, and my feeling of being an outsider, gave me a mini-panic attack.
Breathing became hard, and my vision seemed to blur for a moment.
After a couple of minutes of this overwhelming feeling, I decided to go outside.
I sat outside the hospital for a little while, just breathing.
When I went back inside, I didn't make the mistake of entering Granmoms room again.
I just sat in the hallway, and after a little bit, a nurse came over and layed down a towel saying the floor was filthy.
I sat there for the rest of the visit, and when we left, I felt somewhat relieved.
We came home after that, and Momma made dinner.
We watched T.V. together, she my brother and I, and enjoyed our meal.
Then Brian came home and I left the living room.
Brian seems to get pissed anytime I am in the same room as my brother, and I don't know why.
I just try not to provoke him.
So now I'm sitting in Mommas room, waiting for Dad to come get my brother who has school tomorrow.
Just another day, a little boring, but that's better than it being bad.
So today I slept a lot.
It probably didn't help that I didn't go to bed until around 8 A.M. this morning.
When I finally got up a little bit, Momma took my bro and I to Granpops house.
We were both supposed to carry stuff down from one of the upstairs rooms,
But he told me not to worry about it.
That he didn't need or want my help.
So I'm sitting around feeling like a bump on a log, and fall asleep again.
When we left Granpops house, we went to WalMart.
I decided to sit outside for a minute to smoke a cigarette, and some cute guy asked to bum one.
What was I gonna do?
Say no?
So I give the guy a stogey and I chit-chat with him and his buddies for a couple minutes.
I finally go inside and call Momma asking where she is.
She just tells me to find my brother because she was about to check out.
We weren't getting a whole hell of a lot you know.
So I call bro, and he says he's in the arts and crafts area.
No big deal.
I tell him to meet me up front and then spend 5 mintes waiting for him,
All the while getting texts from Mom telling me to hurry up.
I finally say fuck it and go outside, and Mom was obviously mad.
I don't know exactly what got her into a bad mood,
But my brother was on the wrong side of it.
On the way home, he only dug his grave deeper talking about how no matter what he is getting a gun when he turns 18.
When mom says he can't bring it to her house, he starts saying how he'll just keep it in the trunk of the car he will supposedly have by then
(Paid for by Dad of course.)
And when she tells him she doesn't want that either, he starts saying how it doesn't matter because that will be HIS car.
After arguing back and forth for a little bit, Mom finally breaks.
"You're right ___. You know absolutely everything, and you are never wrong."
I don't know about you, but when I hear ANY woman say that, I know to duck and cover.
My brother though? He wasn't that smart.
He went on about how that wasn't what he was saying but that he knew about this etc.
Again, only digging his grave deeper.
Luckily Mom tends to forgive a lot easier than most, even with her wicked temper.
When we got home and he helped bring in what little groceries there were, all she said was that he had to cook dinner.
While we waited for dinner we watched some T.V., and watched a movie after.
We were all laughing and giggling and having a blast!
Right now things are going all right, though we all sobered up a bit when Mom got on the phone and started talking about Granmom.
And I get the feeling the only reason we were so jovial is because the guy who we are all staying with at the moment,
Let's just call him Brian,
Wasn't here to bitch at Mom or my Brother about anything.
I always hear him when he is talking to Momma, and all I want to do is go in and tell him off.
But I can't do that, because Momma has nowhere else to go right now.
I wish I could help her more, but I don't know how.
So for now, I will just try and be there for her when she needs me.
Cleaning, and talking to her.
Being suppportive.
I hope it's enough.
I am starting this Summer Diary.
Hopefully I do better at keeping up with it than I have other blogs.
I plan on putting my heart and soul into this,
And honestly,
I don't care if anyone reads it or not.
This is for me,
Not anyone else.
A place to vent anything and everything.
Where I can spill it all,
And never really tell a soul.
So let's get started shall we?
Not to be the whiny teenage bitch,
But I have been feeling rather...
Down,
Lately.
See,
I'm staying with a close friend,
So close he is like a brother to me,
And his mom,
Who I actually call "Momma",
In Jersey for the summer.
They have a lot of stuff going on,
From an unstable household with a drunk,
To a mother and grandmom on the brink of passing away.
Then there are my own petty problems.
The 31st of May will be the 11 year anniversary of my father's death.
And I can't stop thinking about how if over a year ago I hadn't miscarried,
My little boy would have turned 1 on July 27th.
I can somewhat talk to them about this,
But I don't want to be a burden.
I am also dealing with the fact that a very close friend of mine,
My BEST friend in fact,
Is refusing to speak to me at this point in time.
But that's a story for another day.
In lighter news,
I got hired at Six Flags on the 8th.
My first day is on the 20th,
Even if it is only training. :)
Once I get started I will be able to help more here.
Helping Momma pay the rent the person we are staying with is asking of her.
I did buy her a Mother's Day card,
To thank her for everything she is doing for me, as well as everything she has done in the past.
Sometime's I feel like she has been here for me more than my biological mother...
I have also started to make some friends other than my "Brother".
But that doesn't seem to make him very happy at all.
It honestly seems to piss him off more than anything else sometimes.
He has told me has feelings for me,
But he acts so...
CHILDISH.
I can't stand the way he treats his parents,
And I told him as much.
I love him to death.
I always will.
Nut I can't date someone who still acts like a prepubescent fuck-tard,
Saying "Woe is me! I can't do anything but lay there and say mean things about my parents because I didn't get my way!"
Not to mention the fact that he still makes people ask him directly to do ANYTHING.
LITERALLY!
He won't even get off the couch for anything but food, drink, and cigarettes unless you ask him to,
And even then he has the nerve to ask "Why should I?"
These people put a roof over his head,
Are EXTREMELY tolerant of how much a trouble maker he is,
AND buy him cigarettes anytime he asks,
And he can't even help with the chores without throwing a hissy fit.
I understand grief,
But it has ALWAYS been like this,
Not just since Grandmom got sick...
I will be honest.
I used to act like that too,
What kid doesn't?
But I grew out of it.
I help out without anyone saying ANYTHING to me,
Just to be helpful!
And because of the way he is acting,
It is getting harder and harder for the person Momma is staying with to keep letting her stay here.
If I had known even half of the problems I have caused by coming here,
I would have stayed in North Carolina.
Truly.
Yet at the same time,
They need me here for moral support,
Because Momma and my Brother have no one,
NO ONE,
To truly rely on.
I guess I should just hope for the best and prepare for the worst at this point.
If you read through all of this, thank you.
I applaud your patience.
I applaud your understanding.
This is my outlet.
My place of peace.
Now I just need to remember to utilize it.
