I got up, did the dishes, took care of the dogs, the usual.
I just sat around and watched T.V. and tried to keep my mind off of things.
After Momma got home, I retreated to my room.
I have been in here basically since she got home, just reading my online manga and such.
Then my REAL Mom called, and that was when I realized just how nuts I've been today.
On the phone with her, I went SUPER bi-polar.
Screaming, then crying then laughing,
All in about a two minute time span.
I blame it on PMS and Nicotine Depravation.
All in all, just a regular day.
But if that's true...
Why am I feeling so lost? So undeniably misguided? So out of place?
I keep feeling more and more like I shouldn't be here. Like everything that has happened from my plans to get here and my plans once I arrived, have all fallen through.
What am I supposed to do?
It's not like I have anyone other than my friend in Alaska who I can turn to.
And, Alaska is KINDA SORTA REALLY far away, you know?
I mean, he is planning to come here for Warped Tour this year and see me, which will be the coolest thing EVER!
But what do I do until then?
I've been talking to him, relying on him.
But it's not the same as being able to cry on someone's shoulder, or get a hug.
I miss that feeling. That feeling of acceptance.
One of the few places I ever got it was from my best-friend. The one who won't talk to me anymore...
It used to be anytime I needed him, all I had to do was call, and he would automatically say,
"Come on over."
Or, when we were to far apart,
"What's going on?!"
He actually cared, and always knew when I needed a hug, a listening ear, or for someone to tell me to snap the hell out of it and get my ass in gear!
He is also the only other person who ever saw my son's ghost.
Now I know what you're thinking,
The same thing a million other people have said to me a million times.
"She's in love with him. It's easy to see."
But you're wrong.
I love him, yes. More than life itself I love him. But being IN love? That's a different story.
See, this kid is my brother. My Soul Twin, if you will. It's as if when everything was in the cosmos swirling around, and souls were getting distributed, we were once one soul that, like an embryo in a womb, split in two.
I was just born six months earlier.
But this kid, this person who I love so much, won't talk to me right now.
I called him from a phone that he didn't know a little over a month ago without thinking, and for the first time in over two months he actually answered. But the second I said, "Hey." he hung up.
It made me cry.
He has been like this since December, when I graduated from a six month residential program.
At this program I got told everyday by 36 other females my age, as well as more than 6 adults, that I was completely in love with my brother.
After six months of having the same thing rammed into my head over and over, I began to doubt the kind of feelings I had for him. And once I graduated I made the biggest mistake ever.
I told him about it.
It wasn't so open as simply saying, "I love you."
That would be to easy.
I had to go and have someone else tell him, while I was there, and he knew I was listening.
And the words were these: "She thinks she might be IN love with you."
It's funny, how one two-letter word can change the entire meaning of a phrase.
It was okay for maybe two weeks after I told him, and I even went so far as to tell him it was a mistake, because it was only after the fact that I realized I don't have those kinds of feelings for him.
And then he freaked out.
Cursed and screamed and called me names. All over Facebook chat.
Then he blocked me.
I would text him maybe once a week after that, because he had said all he wanted was space at that point in time, and I just wanted to let him know that I am still here.
Then he told me to leave him the fuck alone. That I was pissing him off even more.
I didn't even know what I had done wrong but I let him be.
About a month after that, I was on vacation for spring break with my boyfriend. It was only three days before I would fly back. And at five o'clock on the morning, he called me.
I took one look at my phone and answered.
And he was crying.
He does some drugs you see, and he was going on a bad trip from some shroom extract pills, and he had called me because I was one of the only people who knew how to calm him down.
So that's what I did. I talked to him, and got him calm again. Slowed down his breathing.
Right when he had started to be okay, he teared up again and said, "L_____, I am so sorry for the bad blood between us."
To which I immediately responded,
"It's already forgotten."
Things were okay again for about two weeks after that. We were talking at least.
Then, he stopped.
Dropped off the face of the planet again. And I realized he had never unblocked me on Facebook.
The last contact I had was that phone call. The one where he immediately hung up on me.
I don't even know what I did.
All I know is that I miss my brother. I miss my best-friend.
I don't really know what to do, and I worry about him all the time. I try to check up on him through mutual friends just to see if he's doing okay sometimes.
I am just terrified of the day when I get a phone call telling me he is no longer here. That some fatal accident has occurred.
I thought I had lost him once. Walked in and thought what I was seeing was his dead body.
That was the single most terrifying event in my entire life.
I just don't know...
And now I still feel lost, insecure, and out of place, and I guess this whole story is saying that the one person who could make those feelings go away, isn't here for me right now.
Damn... I feel like a whiny bitch.
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