First off, I am DEFFINETLY going back to NC.
In fact I'll be headed back in two days.
12 hour bus ride here I come.
A few days ago, Granmom died.
I wasn't there, but Momma was, and she told me how it happened yesterday.
Let's just say I wish I could have been there to help her as she watched her own mother pass away in front of her very eyes.
She has been holding up alright, but I know that's only because she is still so angry.
Angry at God.
Angry at the doctors.
Angry at the world.
And that's okay, I am just terrified of what is going to happen when all the anger is gone and all that's left is the realization that her mother is gone hits, and that deep, dark sadness sets in.
It doesn't help that her son won't even come over to see her because he is mad at me.
I haven't seen him for three weeks, and he can't even come see Mom when she needs him because he is so FUCKING DESPERATE not to see me again before I leave.
She is so upset with him she doesn't even know what to do.
There is some much less heavy news, in fact happy, jubilant news.
I always give dessert last you see.
That best friend I wrote about.
The one I care for so much?
He is talking to me again.
FINALLY.
And not only that, he is doing so much better now that it's not even funny.
We are trying to make plans to hang out when I get back to NC, but that's a little hard now that we don't live in the same apartment complex, and I can't just walk over and tap on his window for him to let me in.
It also doesn't help that we don't really know how his mother feels about me.
Last time we checked, she still hated my guts more than anything else on this planet.
I am also going to be working, wonderfully enough, and will most likely go to Warped tour at the end of June with one my best friends.
I That will also be the first time I meet this friend in person.
Not to mention that when I entered a contest on the website we met on, the video I submitted got into the top 20, and they might pay for him to come to me or vice versa.
Either way it would be amazing, seeing as we can't really just set a place to meet and go there since he is in Alaska and all.
That's just kind of far away.
I guess I will say the same thing here that I have said in a dozen other places.
Things seem to be falling apart, only to fall into place.
And that's not a bad feeling.
I guess there is one last sad thing to say, and it is actually what got me to come and post on my blog again for the first time in a week.
Tomorrow(since it's 2 A.M.) is the 11 year anniversary of my own Father's death.
I was just sitting in bed tossing his Hackey-Sack that I carry with me everywhere with me back and forth, and I felt the need to post something.
He is my Dad.
I spent last year, the big DECADE, arguing with my mother while she was visiting my Grammy and I.
At the end of the night, we both cried, and I yelled at her about how I was so ANGRY at him.
Angry because he left me, his little girl, when I NEEDED him.
Angry for not coming to pick me up from Daycare that day.
Angry for not taking me to work with him, even though I begged and begged that day.
Angry because he won't be able to scare off my boyfriends with a shotgun, or walk me down the aisle at my wedding, or see his grandchildren and spoil them to death while my back is turned.
I was so ANGRY.
But this year, this year I'm not.
This year I think I understand more.
This year I'm not angry at him,
I just miss him.
But I know he is watching me, and that no matter what I do,
No matter what mistakes I make,
He still loves me.
Because I am HIS little girl.
The thought running through my head right now is about this story my mom told me a few years ago, about when she told my dad she was pregnant with me.
She had already had one daughter, and she gave her up for adoption at birth.
My mom asked my dad if he wanted her to do that again, and when she did he got so angry, and stormed up and down the road screaming,
"NO! That is MY KID MY KID MY KID!!"
Over and over at the top of his lungs.
My daddy didn't leave me because he wanted to, he did it because he needed to.
He didn't know any other option.
My daddy loves me, he always has. And with the way I've grown up, I KNOW he had to have been watching me.
I wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't. I COULDN'T have.
I love you daddy, and I know you're out there, with my little boy, taking care of him, bouncing him on your knee and telling him how much his mommy loves him, and how great a mommy she is, even though she didn't get to be one just yet.
Thank you daddy, for being my Guardian Angel all these years.
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